It’s interesting as you travel down the road to ‘recovery’ – there are still good days and there are still bad days. At the moment though it seems that the bad days are nowhere near as bad as they used to be.
I remember during the ten years I kept my conditions hidden the bad days were really bad and the good days were – well – not so bad. It went a bit like this really:
Day 1: An average kind of day, just toodling along, not good, not bad
Day 2: Things are looking good, feeling happy, all is good in the world
Day 3: All ticking along quite nicely, still happy and enjoying things
Day 4: Hmmm that’s not a good thing, not quite so happy but okay
Day 5: Start to feel the downward spiralling begin, can’t do anything about it
Day 6: Past the average point and into depressed state, helpless free fall
Day 7: Hit the bottom, nothing you can so, don’t try to help me, leave me alone
Day 8: Wallowing in the pit of despair, leave me alone
Day 9: Just stop trying to cheer me up, get away from me, you annoy me
Day 10: Oh things don’t seem so bad today, I might go for a walk
Day 11: Hey a nice sunny day, gardening and exercise for me today
Day 12: Things are looking good, the world isn’t too bad a place, equilibrium
Day 13: An average kind of day, just toodling along, not good, not bad
… and so it went on constantly. Maybe the timeframes varied here and there but that was life – ups and downs and nothing I could do about it. I knew the moment the downward spiralling began, I could sense it in me. And I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it, except keep away from people or withdraw into myself. So, people who didn’t understand just saw me as the guy who ran hot and cold, didn’t like to socialise and was always cranky – Captain Krankypants.
What these friends didn’t know was the turmoil going on inside my head nearly every day, turmoil that even got to the point where, as I got into the positive feelings and on the way to a high, I knew that it would only be for a few days before the downward spiral started – so I couldn’t even enjoy the good days because I knew the bad days were coming.
Close friends would try to cheer me up, “Let’s go and do (something I enjoyed)”, “Hey did you hear the one about…?”, “Did you see that show on last night?”. The poor buggers used to try so hard but to no avail, in fact their trying made things worse – I just wanted to be left alone…
Now things seem to have changed, since seeking professional help (again I emphasise PROFESSIONAL) things have changed. I have climbed out of the pit and seem to be in a state of ‘upness’ where I am happy and enjoying life – maybe it is the whole Captain Krankypants thing that has given me a new lease on life, or maybe I just see things more positively – I can’t be sure at the moment. I did hav a ‘day of negativity’ yesterday – you know one of those days where things don’t seem to go right at all – every thing do seems to not work out, things break, people aren’t helpful, you have to deal with telecommunications companies… all those nasty things. When I was in the corporate world these were the days you never went to see the client or try to close a deal.
But the day of negativity, followed by a night of not being able to sleep (like now) passed without any serious issues and today, despite it only being 3:30am already seems more positive. So the ups and downs seem to have levelled off in the positive, with the negatives nowhere near as bad as before. Although I am still expecting the bubble to burst one day.
Onwards and upwards…