Well it is all nice and lovely when things are going well but sometimes the forward progression and sense of stability stops and you find yourself falling backward. You know things aren’t too flash because you ache again, can’t sleep and start to feel angry with yourself, friends and the world.

The only difference now is that there is no evidence of spiralling down into the pit of despair… it is just a drop into a state of shitty moodedness (a word I made up) where you sit for awhile and hope to come out of it as the day progresses. But once again the shutters come down and barriers go up as you position yourself for a period of being pissed off with everything.

It is time to be away from people you don’t want to hurt; time to be alone and doing something you love to do – if I could only work out what that is today…

It’s also time to close down Facebook and other social media and stop looking at idiot posts that you know are going to rile you further. Maybe an hour out in the sun – oh wait, nope, it’s cloudy today. Maybe a bit of creative work on show design – nah, I’m not very creative in this state of mind. The only option is to return to the comfy arm chair where I spent all those weeks when I was badly depressed – no,that is probably not the thing to do…

Maybe a trip to the garden centre to buy some living things that I can give a better life to in my garden; as much as a tree or shrub can have a better life. That will also involve some physical activity to dig holes and plant things – yes that seems like a good idea. More expense of course and with no real income anymore it will need to be a frugal purchase but I think I have a few gift vouchers somewhere on the fridge.

So only a short post this time but even this was a struggle in the state of mind I am in – I just thought it important to show that it is not all positivity on the road to recovery – some days just don’t shape up the way you want them to…

Anyway, here’s a cat post for you…

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One Reply to “Fallback”

  1. Thank you so much I love your name of this blog and this resonates with me so much I can remember these feelings of not knowing quite what is happening to me and understand very well the way we cover up our illness by being funny this is me in every way you described thank you x

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