Hanging On To the Edge

I have promised an honest blog and I guess that needs to include the negative events as well as the positive so here we go.

The past two days have not been as positive as they could have been – I don’t know if it was a result of coming down after the high of the first talk in Devon, or forgetting to take my pills in the morning, a drop in sugar levels because of being hungry, the bitter and biting cold of the day or some other influences that I cannot identify.

Around midday yesterday I felt myself slipping back into the pit of despair – it was a feeling I cannot describe very well but it was as if all my positive energy was being drained down my body and out through my feet. It was weird, maybe feeling like a tyre going down – maybe that’s why they say you feel deflated when you get sad…

I knew it was happening but there was not much I could do about. I told the people around me that it was happening and that I need to take a little bit of time out – to be away from people and sit quietly alone and let the process do its thing. But first I took my pills and loaded up on roast beef and potatoes with a hot cup of tea.

I sat quietly alone, eyes closed, stomach full and depression hitting me from all sides. After about 45 minutes, the pills took effect and the food re-energised me. I was again able to function – I felt okay so went about planning for next week’s show and trying to work out some of the social media stuff I needed to do.

I then headed of to a concert to see T-Rextasy and due to a number of factors I found myself running late for the show which started at 7:30. I have always prided myself on never being late for anything but as it got later and later and I was still not at the theatre, I found my stress levels rising again and deep down the old anger that I used to feel when things didn’t go right.

The difference this time was that the anger didn’t come to the surface – I managed to keep it suppressed within me but I felt dreadful. My heart was racing, my head throbbing… I could feel my eyes sinking back into my skull as more small delays kept happening – it’s always the way when you are in a rush – other things happen that slow you down more – or they seem to.

Eventually I got to the concert and after some mistakes by the door staff finally got to my seat where I sat and stewed for 15 minutes trying to control my emotions – I couldn’t enjoy the first half of the show as my mind was angry at myself for not getting there on time – luckily enough, most of the songs I loved were in the second half. And once “Ride a White Swan” was performed (one my favourites) my mood swung around and I was back to feeling positive and could enjoy the second half.

This morning I awoke to what was going to be a long day – the first thing I wanted to do was write a short blog about yesterday but, in true form, I had a problem with database synchronisation that took up all my morning trying to get it sorted. Eventually I gave up and headed off to my meetings. But all day I could feel the depression bubbling beneath the surface – the meetings went well and I think there will be a lot of positivity come from them.

The feelings are strange now – I don’t remember them like this when I was at the bottom of the pit – I feel like I am hanging on by one hand, I look down and see the darkness and know I don’t quite have the strength to pull myself up and out – but I do feel capable of holding on and am confident I will not fall in again. Now I need to find some positivity to give me the strength to grab on with my other hand and then climb out. It might take a few days but I know it will happen.

I know most of you will be wanting to respond to this with positive messages of love and support to try to help me get the strength – while I appreciate your sentiment this post is not looking for sympathy, it is a record of my journey and this negative element is part of that journey – I am hoping we can learn from it. So please guys, no sending love, positive energy, payers or amens.  I know you care and are interested or you wouldn’t be reading this. Stay with me on the journey and we can all eventually get to where we are going.

More soon….

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One Reply to “Hanging On To the Edge”

  1. Trace, very much appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your journey is giving me some insight not only for what you are experiencing but also what I believe one of my children is going through as well themselves. Take care and we will definitely stay with you on your journey.

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