It’s Up To You
When I was first hit with the massive depression session that caused me to seek help, there was nothing anybody could do to help. Those around me could see there was a problem and asked what they could do to help – they cared about me and wanted to help. What they don’t realise is that there is nothing they can do to help you when it hits – all you want is to be left alone and let the demon run its course. Anyone trying to help really just gets in the way and, in my case, risked being on the receiving end of a rather nasty tirade.
In my case the depression was like a tide, it came and it went – in fact it still is – it continues but thanks to the help of mental health professionals and certain pharmaceutical products it seems to be under control. Although everyone reacts differently with different medications, it took a couple of tries with different drugs to find something that seems to have stabilised the tidal action and I feel myself at a level of tranquility with not just myself but with the world – maybe the few weeks I have had away from television and radio news has also helped.
An interesting experience with the tidal swings is that you get used to the ups and the downs so when you are down you know it will only be a few days before you come up again – but on the reverse side – when you are up you know the downslide is soon to come, this then seems to exacerbate the situation so the spiralling down starts sooner than it otherwise would have. And you know it when it starts but there is nothing you can do about it – you either try to hide it or you tell your loved ones to keep away from you for a few days until the climb up starts again.
Eventually though the downs outweigh the ups and you find yourself in a perpetual state of crankiness and everyone just things you are a grumpy git and tend to avoid you – unless of course you are able to develop a reasonable facade of humour, flippancy and fun. Then people think you are a fun person to be around, which is great, until… someone does something that upsets you.
This is when things get nasty – suddenly this nice guy/chick blows up for no perceived reason… because all the ‘normal people’ see is the majestic swan drifting along on the current, they don’t see all the hard work and action going on under the water to make us look as if we are in control. So it was people’s perceptions of me being cranky all the time that coined the phrase Captain Krankypants. Yes it was funny at the start but eventually the truth came to me – people thought I was a grumpy git and needed to cheer up a bit.
So here I am, getting things sorted at last – after ten years of me, my loved ones and my friends suffering. But the key to it is, like giving up any addiction, it is up to you to want to do it and then seeking the necessary help from experts – EXPERTS, not family, not friends, EXPERTS.