Recognition of Deserving

Another problem that faces a lot of us is our own belief that we are not worthy. So often I think that I am so weak and pathetic because I have these conditions – after all there are so many other young kids who spent a lot more time in much more dangerous situations than I – they actually killed people, they saw their mates blown up, they saw and experienced all sorts of atrocious things. Me????? Nah I did nothing compared to them. Just flew in, did my job and flew out again.

This is one of the major hurdles still to come on my journey – friends and professionals tell me I am deserving of the support the Department of Veterans Affairs can provide, I deserve the medals that lie somewhere in a cupboard in my house, I deserve to march on ANZAC Day (Australia’s day of commemoration for service personnel) and I deserve the respect and thanks of society for helping defend our way of life.  These are things I am told… not one of them I believe – in my head I am a fraud, a charlatan and a leach who doesn’t deserve anything.  Save all this stuff for the kids who deserve it and make sure they are looked after.

Over the past ten years or so I have every year gone to Long Tan memorial commemorations conducted by the Blue Mountains Vietnam Veterans and Associated Forces Association – every year I have dug out my contemporary medals and mixed with these guys and been accepted as a part of the ‘brotherhood’. But inside all my mind was saying that these guys were the heroes, compared to them I was nothing, they were constantly in danger, the enemy just metres away – and when they finally got out of the hell hole they spent a year in, they were persecuted and spurned by our own country… they are the true heroes, the survivors and deserving all the support we can give them.

So anyway – one day this journey we are on will take me down this path and try to convince me I am wrong in my thoughts – we shall see how successful they are…

A FOOTNOTE – this post is showing how my mind processes this situation and I hope it helps others experiencing the same thoughts see they are not alone.  PLEASE, if you decide to comment on this post, I am not after comments of sympathy or support or a hearty ‘job well done’. Thank you…

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